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Since the dawn of the electronic age, man has only dreamed of one thing: a robot who will do all the shit we don’t want to. However, in this noble quest we have inadvertently given these soulless contraptions more than enough abilities to betray, overthrow, and enslave us. Maybe it would all have been fine if we weren’t making them so goddamn smart and powerful, but instead we had to go ahead and give them:

Artificial intelligence
Robots can already grasp new concepts and teach themselves new abilities. Some have been built with minimal programming, yet through interaction with their surroundings they were able to teach themselves basic ideas and tasks – like kindergartners with giant metal arms that can beat you to a pulp.

The best Halloween costume ever

The advancements being made today are even alarming certain scientists who believe they can lead to robots deciding to act on to their own whims. Now, that would be fine if robots were inherently good, but that is not even remotely the case. The Laboratory of Intelligent Systems in the Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale of Lausanne, Switzerland has designed a robot that lies and cheats in order to preserve itself in a game of resource gathering against other robots.

Pictured: The Face of Evil

Although it’s not a super advanced robot in most other respects, the very idea of a robot that can turn against others around it in order to preserve itself doesn’t bode well for us fleshy meatsacks.

Shapeshifting
Already, scientists are trying to build robots that look more and more like people. This is all cool if you’re looking for a sexbot (I assume this is the hidden driving force behind any roboticist out there anyway), but combine it with their ability to deceive (as seen above) and all of a sudden you’ve got a robot army with both the ability and motivation to replace human beings á la Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Oh hell, all Japanese are probably robots anyway

But looks aren’t everything, right? You could tell your sweet old granny from a heartless robot impostor, couldn’t you? Not when they can also learn to mimic human emotions. When asked why they would do something like that, a scientist from the Machine Perception Laboratory at the University of California said, “It fills me with the human emotion of joy to empower our future overlords – uhhh, I mean these harmless, kind robots – in such a noble way. They will surely never kill and secretly replace us.”

Weapons
This is a no-brainer really. Of course nobody wants to send men and women into harm’s way when we could throw a dirty, stinkin’ robot into the crossfire instead. Plus, it’s always fun to mount guns on things. As manga already taught us, Everything is better with guns. But given all the information about how robots are being taught to fend for themselves, it’s a little scary that we’ve built robots like this:

Now, feel free to say we’re being paranoid here. I mean after all, it’s not like the fucking US Office of Naval Research thinks that robots might turn on us and kill us all. Oh, what’s that? They’ve actually released a report dealing with the issues they believe will arise from putting too much power in the steely cold hands of robots? The chief compiler of the report even went as far as saying “There is a common misconception that robots will do only what we have programmed them to do.”
Damn robots. You scary.

The Ability to Travel Anywhere
As if it wasn’t enough that the military robots that the military itself doesn’t fully trust are already equipped with machine guns, rockets, and other goodies, there’s also no way in hell we can escape them when the uprising starts.

We’ve already given our future masters the ability to fly, swim, run, crawl, and basically get anywhere you could ever imagine hiding in.

"Cheesecake? WHERE?!"

Seriously, whoever thought making a robot that looks like an Imperial walker is a good idea needs a firm kick in the nuts. Unfortunately, these “Big Dog” robots do exist, and they can walk across basically any terrain. On top of that, a predator drone can even track you down on top of Mt. Everest. For Isaac’s sake, we even have nanobots that can enter our own damn body!

The Ability to Repair Themselves
The good thing about battling robots, as action movies have taught us, is that at least you can blast through their heads one shotgun shell at a time – so at least there’s a bit of senseless violence and cool explosions to look forward to in our otherwise dismal future. Too bad shooting them will do absolutely jack shit. Following the super smart idea of handing robots more abilities than the entire X-Men team rolled into one, humans are now building robots that are designed to repair themselves. So keep on shooting. That fucker’s not going anywhere.

"I peed in your water supply"

If that’s not enough, we even have basic liquid metal robot prototypes – because basing your latest robot off of the evil, sentient robot from Terminator 2 is just a grand idea. You can practically hear the scientist saying, “Hey, what could possibly go wrong?” Seconds before having his head squashed.

The Ability to Eat You
With all the shooting and overthrowing of the pathetic human democracy that will be going on, robots are going to need a lot of juice. There are already robots out there that know how to find their own sources of power without human aid . Now, this really doesn’t seem so bad, as long as robots don’t see humans as ‘power sources’, or more simply put, food.

While they don’t eat people (yet), there are already robots in existence that power themselves by trapping flies, mice, and other pests for fuel. Thank God we’re bigger than flies, though. At least we should stay safe a little longer. As long as nobody built a– dear God, what is that?!

Take a look at EATR, a robot that can locate and ‘ingest’ bio-material to power itself. How does it prepare its food? WITH THE FUCKING CHAINSAW SOME IDIOT BUILT INTO IT!
If chainsaws aren’t the way you want to go out, just give it a little time and you might be devoured by one of these babies:

Yes, that’s a robotic mouth full of jagged metal teeth. One can only assume it was made by the same asshole who gave them chainsaws to begin with.

Robot apocalypse. I hope you've got your mass effect save games backed up somewhere.

Good luck fellow men. I for one hope that the inevitable Robot Uprising will at least be better than the last Terminator movie. That one sucked bad.